Mother of the Year

Yes, it's official, I was voted mother of the year. I'm not joking I thought you might like to know what it takes to garner this prestigious award that, as the name would lead you to believe, only is presented once a year. Recipients of Mother of the Year (a.k.a. MOY) always keep a close eye on their kids. They do this so their youngest child cannot play in the toilet. Since their child could not play in the toilet there's no way a contact case would wind up in the toilet. There would be no screams of delight as the MOY flushed the 18 feet of toilet paper that the sweet one year old pulled off the roll down the toilet. A MOY would never hear her eldest tell her aunt that "it's okay. My mommy let's me eat things off the floor." When taking a road trip a MOY always packs nutritious meals to eat outside in the sunshine. She never goes by a drive thru, then proceed to rip the food up into bite size pieces and place the pieces in a snack cup. She would never hand said cup to her one year old just so the MOY doesn't have to stop. She also wouldn't forget to pack a travel cup for her oldest. A MOY keeps a clean house and never needs to feel embarrassed at the state of her window sills and curtains when the window guys come to install new windows. When shopping at Lowe's to buy needed items for her garden (because all MOYs have green thumbs) he would not buy pre-fertilized dirt and bagged compost. Why? Because this Mother of the Year has been getting her soil ready since winter and creating her own compost. I read Martha Stewart, so of course I know how to do this stuff. Since MOYs don't buy 50 pound bags of dirt, they don't have to remember to lift with their legs not with their back. Being so prepared means that real MOYs do not load five 50 pound bags into the back of their car while trying to hold onto the cart in which her two beautiful children are sitting so nicely...they really were sitting nicely. This being the truth, upon removing the last bag and putting it in the car, this MOY would not turn around to see the cart rolling away across the parking lot which is a downward slope. I would not hear the car parked beside me honking to let me know my children are making their escape. But if it did happen, a MOY would catch the buggy before anyone, or anything was damaged. In this case, the cart never rolled away because I didn't buy ready made dirt at Lowe's therefore I certainly did not save a cart with a clapping, smiling one year old and a happy three year old who just had a blast rolling across the parking lot....nor did I mention my recent Mother of the Year award to the good samaritan couple who honked their horn. If you would like to be nominated for Mother of the Year please let me know why you should be given this auspicious award.

How to Eat a Banana, Ellie Jane Style

Ellie Jane loves to eat. She loves it. She eats everything and relishes every bite. Please, let Ellie Jane show you how to eat a banana and enjoy every bite.

1. Get a good grip on the banana (two hands is suggested) and make sure the whole banana is in your mouth.
2. Make sure you get a really big bite. No, it does not matter that you only have two teeth. More teeth would help, but two teeth is completely adequate.

3. This is more of a tip. If you only have two teeth, make sure to chew in the front of your mouth. Choking is not an option.

4. Chew as long as it takes. Enjoy all the delicious flavor of the banana.

5. After swallowing, repeat the process. Continue with the process until the whole banana is gone.

6. When all the banana is gone, you can try and lick the peel, but it doesn't taste nearly as good as the actual banana.